Updated Every Monday
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Dear Milo
My daughter-in-law is a lovely young woman who I love to death. She puts up with my son, who is a handful, and completely supports his career when they have to move from base to base. The life of a military spouse cannot be easy, and she does it without complaint.But I do have a complaint. She is a really picky eater. And I mean re-e-eally picky.
She's like a kindergartener. She absolutely refuses to eat anything she doesn't like, and she doesn't like anything that's good for you. She won't eat vegetables. She won't eat fruit. She won’t eat seafood. She thinks all that stuff is "yucky," and she won't eat any kind of soup that has "chunks" in it that she can't identify. Or even if she can.
It's impossible to go out to eat with her. Everybody at the table has to scour the menu looking for things she might eat. It's even worse when she's at my house and I'm doing the cooking. It about gives me a panic attack trying to accommodate her while feeding everyone else, too.Really, the only things she'll eat are processed meats, cheese, and junk food. Seriously! This woman is 23 years old! What kind of an adult won't eat fruit or vegetables? I thought people got over that when they were about seven.
They are staying with me for a few days over X-mas and I am dreading having to feed her. Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks
Picky-eater-in-law
Dear In-law,
Try serving her this with her Hot Pocket.
—MiloI Don’t Like Peas
My dearest, darling daughter-in-law,
Come here and have a seat,
We have to have a heart-to heart
About the crap you eat.
You can't survive on processed foods.
You need some green stuff, too.
It's time you ate something "yucky"
Because that's what grown-ups do.
It's nice that your metabolism
Lets you be so choosy.
But turn up your nose at my cooking, again,
And I'll wallop you a doozy.
When you're at home, then you're in charge.
Your meals are within your purview.
But when you’re at my table, sweets,
You'll eat the stuff I serve you.
It’s a little bit insulting,
And even kind of crass,
To insist on separate meals for you.
In fact, it’s a pain in the ass!
I’m tired of having to coddle you
At each and every meal.
So I’ll tell you what, just sit your butt
And eat without a squeal.
Now, hold your fork like a big girl,
and swallow three bites of peas.
Then wash it down with two sips of milk
And use your napkin, please.
And if you kick your high-chair,
Or if you fuss and pout,
You'll finish that whole goddamn plate of food
Or I'll put you in Time-Out!
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