How should vegans respond to snide comments?
Plant-based for health, reader seeks a sharp retort
Updates every Monday
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Dear Milo,
Here's my situation. I adopted a whole food, plant-based, no oil way of eating 7 months ago, and I've never felt better. My blood sugar is easier to control, my blood pressure and cholesterol are down. The doctor took me off statins and cut my Lantus (insulin injections) in half. I even lost a ton of weight.
But one of the ladies I play bridge with keeps making comments about how a vegan diet is dangerous, how I'm not getting enough protein, and how carbs are bad for you.
Meanwhile, she is very overweight and on every medication imaginable and got offended because I didn't want any of the bag of Bugles (those corn junk food things) she brought to share during cards.
I know you went vegan awhile back for your health, so could you write a poem explaining how a plant-based diet is actually good for you and politely asking her to mind her own business?
Thanks, hon!
-Fed Up
Dear Fed,
Politely, you say? How about this?
- Milo
Lay Offa My Diet
I stopped eating dairy,
I stopped eating meat.
I cut out the oil and
I cut out the sweets.
This makes me a troublesome
Guest at your table.
You try to stay silent,
Except you're unable.
"You're getting no protein,
And way too much starch!"
You say with a smirk
And with one eyebrow arched.
"How downright depressing!"
You suddenly splutter.
"A life without bacon,
Or Bugles, or butter!"
In truth, life is joyous!
My blood pressure's down.
They took me off statins.
I've lost thirty pounds.
I'm off the metformin.
The Lantus is half
What I took last October,
So don't make me laugh!
You tell me you're worried
For MY state of health.
You ignorant nincompoop,
Look at yourself!
You're fat and you're sickly.
Your kids are obese.
Your skin is the color
Of old cottage cheese.
You barely can breathe
Past your 23rd chin.
Your artery's clogged to
The size of a pin.
Lay offa my diet
And look to your own.
Cuz everything I eat
Is stuff God has grown.
And as for those Bugles—
Well, that shit’s not food;
It's factory fallout.
(PS your comments are rude.)
—
Feedback
About Queens of the Tinder Age
“Yeah. I've met a few of these girls. I was married to one of them.” — Steve K.
“Even short chicks are looking for tall guys. It was frustrating when I was single.” -- Bob L.
“Won’t have sex because you remind her of her ex…that exact thing happened to me!”— Randy M.
“Hi-LARRR-ious!” —P.J.D.
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About If You’re Happy and You Know It…
“I thought the dog poem was really cute.” — Heather A.
“Really enjoyed this one. Sniff a butt!” - Marjorie C.
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About My Apelike Date
“The hair in the shower line killed me.” — Dave F.
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