The 10 Women You'll Meet on Tinder
And why none of them are into YOU
New posts every Monday morning
Dear Milo,
I am an okay looking guy (not ugly, not great) but I am a little shy. I get awkward around girls my age (especially good looking ones). I have been experimenting with Tinder and Plenty of Fish to try and find a girlfriend.
Am I crazy or is every girl posting in online dating sites utterly insane? They all have this whole list of demands that probably nobody could meet. I’m not tall enough for any of them (even though 5’9 is average!!!), I don’t make enough money, I’m too young, I don’t want to date a girl who already has kids, I don’t have any tattoos, etc etc etc. Meanwhile, they’re often 100 pounds overweight and work as a part-time pre-school assistant.
When I do match with a girl, we often have one conversation and then she vanishes forever.Can you write me a poem I can use to land a babe through online dating?
—Average Joe
Dear Joe,
Unfortunately, no I cannot help you with that.
—MiloThe Queens of the Tinder Age
When searching for a soulmate,
Consider online dating.
There's lots of single women who
Are down to do some mating.
There's just one tiny caveat
When finding girls to woo:
The girls whom you find interesting
Aren't interested in you.
You're far too short for Char, unless
You dwarf Shaquille O'Neal.
And Linda's only looking for
Mimosas and a meal.
Shaneequa seeks a special guy
Who's gainfully employed.
She needs a pal to pay for things
While hubby is deployed.
Veronica's a mommy, and
Her children must come first.
She's also hugely pregnant and
Is just about to burst.
And Angelique is on the seek
For guys who don't do drugs.
The problem is: the only guys
She likes are total thugs.
Belinda's on the rebound
So she's solely seeking sex.
But, not with you, of course,
Cuz you remind her of her ex.
And Susan sounded super
When you chatted on the phone.
But she sees you as a friend, so now
You're locked inside the "zone."
Kim agreed to coffee
But she didn't like your car.
It was more than three years old,
(Besides, you don't play lead guitar.)
Imelda's forty-one and knows
Her looks are on the wane,
So she'll grudgingly accept you
('til you learn that she's insane).
Posey had potential, since you
Like your ladies thicc.
But it seems that she's a feminist
And hates you for your dick.
The Dream is that you'll find a girl
To have a sweet romance with.
The Truth is that there's *not*
A single girl you have a chance with.
But that's okay, just focus on
Improvements to yourself.
Without a woman's wastefulness,
You'll build a lot of wealth.
Until you do, I wouldn't let
The circumstances haunt you.
As soon as you don't give a shit,
Then every chick’ll want you.
—
Feedback
About If You’re Happy and You Know It…
“I thought the dog poem was really cute.” — Heather A.
“Really enjoyed this one. Sniff a butt!” - Marjorie C.
—
About Queens of the Tinder Age
“This was pretty funny, but that line about wasteful women pissed me off. Men on dating sites are just as bad or worse, and it’s irritating that they always get a pass.” — Moody Q.
—
About My Apelike Date
“I spat out milk picturing a gibbon in a pretty pink ribbon and sun dress.” — Katey O.
—
About Lay Offa My Diet
“I could have used this a hundred times in the past three years since I went vegan.” — Bailey N.
—
About When Your Bedroom Has Brakes
“Thanks for this. You did a good job capturing a non-traditional lifestyle.” — Ray P.
Like This?
Please share with friends or subscribe below to our free newsletter. Subscribers receive one email per week, chock-filled with entertainment. (We will never spam or sell your info.)