Dear Milo,
Hope your newsletter takes off. Unique idea. You never can tell what people will go for. Good luck!
Anyway, our 23rd anniversary last week was a catastrophe. My wife is SUPER. F***ING PISSED at me because I bought her a vacuum cleaner instead of flowers or jewelry or something romantic. But we needed a new vac and she had her eye on this one. It wasn't some cheap piece of crap either. It was a top-of-the line Bissell with all the bells and whistles.
Anyway, she opened it up and her face got all hard and she snapped, “Oh THANKS!” at me like real sarcastic. And since then she keeps giving me the stink-eye and barking at me whenever I try to talk to her.
I guess I should have rethought the vacuum cleaner. But I was thinking a custom apology poem might help smooth this over. Make it real romantic and stuff, so she'll forgive me. At least until I mess up again next year. I mean, my God, it wasn't even our 25th or anything.
Thanks for your help because I'm:
In the Doghouse
Dear Doghouse,
Try laying this on her.
- MiloIt's All in the Bag
My dearest wife of decades,
My Beautiful Boo,
You're my universe, my everything,
And a box of chocolates, too.
You're the cream in my coffee
And the salt in my food.
(These *all* make life worth living
So I'm not being rude).
It was thoughtless to have bought you
Such an unromantic gift
As a Bissell vacuum cleaner,
So I get why you're miffed.
I know you were expecting
Maybe diamonds and roses,
Or a trip to Honolulu,
But we can't afford those-s.
For months, you'd been complaining
That our vac didn't work.
So I bought you a replacement
And you think I'm a jerk.
But look inside the dustbag
Of the Bissel to find
Your REAL gift, which I'm hoping
Will blow your damn mind.
—
(Dude, if you act quickly, you've got yourself a do-over.... Don't f*** it up, this time! -ed.)
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